Well, the holiday season is in full swing and while all the commercials on TV show perfect holiday parties and the influencer’s feeds show well-curated family portraits, many of us are struggling this holiday season to maintain some semblance of sanity.

My clients know that my first line of defense in any stressful or taxing situation is to practice self-compassion. When we feel overwhelmed, tired, anxious, and fed-up, it’s usually for a reason! We rarely feel things because we want to or are being dramatic. And over and over again I feel like I have been shouting from the rooftops: “The holiday season triggers all of our traumas! Be gentle with yourselves!"

But why is the holiday season so hard? I think understanding they “why” helps us access self-compassion a little bit easier. Here are just a few of the long list of reasons why the holidays can be so challenging.

1.     Loss 
With all the talk of “togetherness” around this time of year, feelings can get so complicated for those of us who have had experiences of separation and apartness. Whether it is a loss due to death or divorce, losing a job or a house, loss of a dream, or any other experience that causes us to feel grief, it can be disheartening to feel like the only one who isn’t happily connected during the holidays. My mother’s favorite holiday was Christmas, and even 10 years after her death, I still feel the sadness and weight of not having her around. Whether any of these losses are fresh or familiar, it’s ok if you are feeling the extra dose of sadness, anxiety, or anger during the holidays.

 2.     Pressure
SO MUCH PRESSURE! The holidays are probably one of the most stressful times of year simply because of all the pressure and expectations put on everyone. Us sex therapists help people understand that when pressure is present, pleasure does not coexist well. And this can be true for most, if not all, areas of life! I’m imagining at one point or another many of you have heard some version of these following statements/questions. If not verbally from someone else, then in your own head! 

• “Why don’t you have a ____________ [boyfriend, girlfriend, job, spouse, house, chinchilla, private jet, etc.] yet?”
• “You really should be with the family for _______. Be here by 9 am and bring _______ and wear _________ and we take staged family photos at ________, even though we all hate each other right now.”
• “Everyone needs a present.”
• “The kids deserve a magical holiday and that means pix with Santa, gifts, decorating, cookies, school functions and all in the span of 2 weeks.”
• “Attend this party, attend that party, and throw three parties on your own.”
• “I need someone to kiss at midnight!”

The list could go on and on. In fact, many-pressure filled expectations are often disguised as “traditions,” and the emotional punishment for missing out on the tradition often feels worse than just going along. But none of these things give joy without an expense to mental and emotional health, which can feel very conditional and manipulative. Two things I do not want to feel during the holidays, or ever for that matter!

3.     Trauma
We are now finding out through years of research that trauma is not just a point on someone’s life timeline that has a huge impact and then nothing is ever the same. Some trauma is generational, some is relational, and some evolves over time. And our bodies react very similarly to all of the forms of trauma. Most of us have experienced some trauma in our lives.
 
And if that is true, then most of the people you hang out with during the holiday have experienced trauma. Whether it’s family, friends, or co-workers, you can bet that others are having past traumatic experiences stirred up for them. So then we are expected to get together for multiple social events with all of these people and have our own trauma stirred up too. If you ever wondered why you can’t get through a holiday without the whole family breaking into a fight or everyone being passive-aggressive with each other all day, it’s most likely in part due to the fact that everyone is having their trauma triggered. Ultimately, without the awareness of how we are impacted by these events, it is hard to manage the big feelings around them. And the same is true for most of the other people in the room.
 
So, when you feel over-tired, overwhelmed, over-stimulated, and over-worked this holiday season, you are not being dramatic. You have full permission to be gentle with yourself and tap into loads of self-compassion to get you through to a less stressful moment in your life.

Deciding it’s time to start trying to have a baby can be one of the most exciting decisions in life! For many couples, the inner dialogue looks like this:
 
“OMG it’s here! I can’t wait for all the cute clothes and baby smiles and snuggles. My partner is going to be such a good parent. My family will be so excited for us. Let’s google some names….
 
Hmmm…wait a minute…
 
What happens if we can’t get pregnant right away? Where’s that app my friend told me about that tracks ovulation? Cervical mucus, what?! What if I/my partner has a complicated pregnancy? OMG we have a family history of ______. Google says I have to keep track of x, y, and z if I want ANY chance at all of making this happen. Sex every day?! Is that possible? What is the soonest possible date a pregnancy test is accurate? How accurate are pregnancy tests? Is my insurance good enough for all of this? I might as well just go ahead and reach out to an infertility specialist now.”
 
The excitement can quickly turn to fear. As many parents know, signing up for parenthood is essentially trying to balance the joy and excitement of having a child while not getting caught up in the very scary rabbit holes the mind quickly travels to the moment something (even a minor thing) doesn’t go as planned.
 
That fear not only affects our mental and emotional health, but also can make things more difficult in the bedroom. Don’t get me wrong, for many people, trying to conceive increases gratification in their sex lives. But for many others, the stress of worry and hope can get in the way of satisfying intimacy. This is because there is a lot of pressure when it comes to conception! Not only the pressure of the desire for a child, but the pressure of unwelcome advice, unrealistic cultural and societal expectations about fertility journeys, and overconsumption of information that we can so easily access in today’s world.
 
I say it all the time…when pressure is present, pleasure can rarely coexist. So the idea is to take pressure off of the whole process. Let’s work on preserving the satisfying parts of intimacy, paying attention to what feels new about sex while trying to conceive, and relieve the negative messages that put pressure on intimacy during this time of exciting change. Here are a few things to consider if sex is becoming more of a chore than a sensual experience:
 
1. Take a break…not just from sex, but from all the tracking and tests.  
When you google “how to get pregnant” you will find a very long list of tasks, things to track, and things you aren’t allowed to do anymore. And I mean a LONG list. It gets overwhelming very quickly. And the pressure to have sex every day can be overwhelming too! So give yourself and your partner(s) permission to take a break from it all. Even better…give yourself permission to NOT take any ovulation tests or track all your symptoms right from the start. If for some reason you do start to worry about your fertility, consult your doctor and take up the practices they recommend. But you don’t need to do it all right away.
 
2. Get off the schedule, if that works for you 
For some, scheduling sex works really well! If that is you, great! Keep doing what you are doing. For others, scheduling sex puts undue pressure on one or both parties and eventually can lead to exhaustion (mental and physical) and or resentment. Give yourself room to have sex when it comes naturally to you.
 
3. Have sex when you are not ovulating or outside when the doctor instructs you to 
Many people get caught up in only having sex when one partner is ovulating. I have seen this scenario often lead to the feeling that sex is a chore. Many times one partner starts to feel like they are being used for sex and that the other partner doesn’t value intimacy with them outside of the goal of having a child. Make it a point to include sexuality and intimacy on days where conceiving is less likely.
 
4. Connect intimately in other ways 
Don’t forget to date! Remember to connect intimately through flirting, dating, romance, dancing, cuddling, making out, stimulating conversation, etc. Be intentional about making room for romance in your relationship now so that when the baby comes, you will not completely lose yourselves in the role of parenthood. You will still need to connect with your partner(s). Now is the time for good practice!
 
5. Tune out the noise  
One common experience on the fertility journey and for new parents is the headache of unsolicited advice and unhelpful comments.
 
“I got pregnant on my first try! It was so easy!”
“You shouldn’t have a glass of wine if you are trying to get pregnant”
“Right before you have sex, eat a lemon, face east during intercourse and then do a headstand for at least 10 minutes afterward.”
 
I joke, but seriously, the advice and comments will only get more intense during pregnancy and when a child arrives. So be very intentional about who you share information with. Also, take care of yourself when you come in contact with this advice. Turn off the tv, put Dr. Google away, leave a conversation that makes you uncomfortable.
 
6. Have sex and/or orgasms without penetration once in a while
For many relationships, sex without penetration is what is most satisfying. Many women can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation (and this is completely normal!). So penetrative sex isn’t nearly as gratifying. There are a multitude of activities that fall under the category of sex that do not include intercourse at all. And a lot of people really enjoy those activities! If you don’t want to take a break from sex, then at least take a break from penetrative sex. Enjoy using a vibrator, blow jobs, touching, etc. Again, it also reminds your partner(s) that you value intimacy with them, not just for having a baby.
 
7. Spend time by yourself
I really cannot stress enough the value of good self-care. You and your partner(s) will need a break from each other. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It just means you are human. I’ll say it again, take a break! Yes, even from each other. By the way, self-pleasure is a great way to spend that time!
 
8. Limit your sources of information
There are an endless amount of books, websites, and people where you can get information from on your fertility journey. So much in fact, that it is overstimulating and overwhelming. Those words don’t usually coincide well with “sexy”. I recommend limiting yourself to 5 sources of information. Three of those being your doctor (please find a doctor that listens to you and takes you seriously!), your partner(s) and yourself. The other two can be from a book or website of your choice. And guess what?! It by no means has to be the same book or website your parents or friends used! Another option may be a close and trusted family member or friend.
 
Yes, this journey can be stressful. But it doesn’t have to be all-consuming. There is room for joy, excitement, pleasure and intimacy. Sometimes we just have to be intentional about making room for those things. If you ever feel like it is all too much, you are not alone! It is totally ok to be worried. Working with a good sex therapist may be able to help you relieve the pressure and work toward enjoying the process.

Talking with partners about fantasies tends to be an uncomfortable subject for many people. Even HAVING fantasies can feel uncomfortable. Many times, this is because of the great number of misconceptions about fantasies floating around out there. 

Fantasies live in our minds. They usually provide some sort of pleasure, and since they live in our minds, they are usually perfect! Nothing goes wrong in a fantasy, there is no awkwardness, no one's feelings get hurt, etc. But just because we have a fantasy, does not always mean we want it in real life. Sometimes fantasies are attractive because they exist in that perfect realm! 

​But when we do want to try a fantasy, it can be difficult to bring it up to a partner or partners, let alone admit it to ourselves! So here are some tips to help.

1. Remember that it is ok for your fantasies to remain private - you are not keeping a terrible, shameful secret if you don't want to share a fantasy. Fantasies are private and it is ok if they remain that way.

2. Remember that a fantasy doesn’t always mean that is what is wanted in real life - Just because it is something you have fantasized about, does not mean that you expect or even want it to happen in real life! Remember this about your partner or partners as well. 

3. Create a safe, non-judgmental space to talk - make sure you establish some trust with each other and talk about what your fears are about sharing your fantasies before you get to the sharing.

4. Pay attention to your own feelings and your partner’s feelings – they may be different and that is ok - different does not mean wrong or bad! It's just different. If you don't like one of your partner's fantasies, let them know it is ok for them to have that fantasy, but it may not be one that you want to explore together. 

5. Talk with a sex therapist! - Sex therapists are always available to help create that non-judgemental space to have a fulfilling discussion about fantasies. They are also there to answer any questions or concerns you have about fantasies. Most likely, we have heard it before! There is little that will surprise a sex therapist or make them think badly of you. 

One GREAT resource for learning more about fantasies - the book Tell Me What You Want by Justin Lehmiller

Disclaimer - if you are concerned about your fantasies or acting on them, there is no shame in getting professional help. There are plenty of ways to manage thoughts, feelings, and actions that a sex therapist can help you explore. 

​We had to make a TON of adjustments in 2020. The totality of every day life changed and as a collective, we experienced the mental and emotional tax of a global pandemic. As we went through the year, we continually had to adjust to the fact that it wasn’t going to be over in a month.
 
Now we are adjusting again. And while many are excited to get back to “normal”, there are many that are experiencing the anxiety and stress that come with even more adjustments. I have heard so many people lately expressing how overwhelmed they feel with the mounting expectations from work, social groups, family, and media now that our world is changing again with the vaccine.

​So it begs the question – in our rush to get back to life as usual, what is worth getting back to? Many people found that they were spending too much energy on expectations they did not want in their lives. With the pandemic, people all of a sudden had an “excuse” to set boundaries, take self-care time, honor their introverted sides, respect their own needs, and tend to their own emotions. Now, with the “excuse” lifting, many are worried that they have no choice but to go back to meeting other’s expectations, tending to everyone else’s emotions and needs, and making regular self-care a thing of the past.
 
Repeat after me: “Their expectations are not my obligations.”
 
Expectations are not obligations! Sure, if work says you have to return to your 9-5, you may feel compelled to do just that in order to keep your salary. However, excuse or no excuse, you have EVERY RIGHT to maintain boundaries, take self-care time, and honor your own needs and emotions.
 
Is it hard work to learn to say no without a “valid excuse”? Yup. Is it uncomfortable to ask for help or take a break just because you want it and no other reason? You bet. But is it worth it? Abso-freaking-lutely.
 
Time to shed what is no longer serving you and allow yourself to leave people pleasing behind with the pandemic. Talking to a therapist is a great first step!
 
Disclaimer: The pandemic is not over! Please be responsible. This post is intended to discuss mental and emotional issues in anticipation of potential changes to regulations about the pandemic.

​“What if my partner won’t go to therapy with me?”

It’s a question couples and relationship therapists get quite often. There are problems in the relationship,, and one partner is more comfortable with the idea of therapy than the other. You can see things getting worse and get increasingly frustrated and confused when your partner says no to therapy.

There are many reasons why someone may be uncomfortable going to therapy, even if they have been to therapy before. The therapeutic process often can elicit a flurry of uncomfortable emotions, confrontation of our deepest fears and flaws, and a flood of painful memories. When I put it like that, sometimes I wonder why anyone would sign up for therapy?! Even those of us who have had plenty of counseling can feel intimidated by starting the process again. We humans are very good at staying in what is familiar, even if it is uncomfortable.

By Melissa Coats

Generations of women have been assured by the church that if they follow the purity rules and saved their sexualities for their husbands, they would be rewarded with a fulfilling marriage and a satisfying sex life. Promise rings leading to promises of the picture perfect marriage! Yet an overwhelming number of these women get to their wedding night full of hope, only to be disappointed, confused, stressed and in pain.

 If this describes your experience, let me be perfectly clear…

You. Are. Not. Alone.
There. Is. Nothing. Wrong. With. You.

Hard to believe? There is a reason for that. Sexual shame causes the urge to hide and deal with feelings in private. The thought of someone confirming the negative thoughts that something is wrong or finding out you are all alone with this problem can feel devastating. So most women don’t say anything and suffer in silence while trying every trick the internet has to offer to increase their sex drive.

So let’s shed some light on this issue so we can uplift each other as women and not feel so alone and confused. With accurate information, support, and a growing understanding of female sexuality, it is possible to lead a satisfying sex AND spiritual life. 

On January 28th, we are going to talk about the common harmful messages about sex, why they have had such a strong impact, and what to do with all that information. We will discover why brain function and body development don’t always line up with the strict rules of purity culture and how to use brain chemistry in our favor.

Spirituality and sexuality do not have to be mutually exclusive. You do not have to give up one for the other. Both are important parts of your identity and make up the whole, magnificent person you were created to be.

Sign up here.

We look forward to seeing you on the 28th!

​I’ve been noticing a theme in my posts recently on TCT…they've been about the relationship with oneself! I promise I will discuss other topics. But this being the holiday season, in a pandemic, I feel it is critical to tend to our own needs as we continue to navigate this challenging year.

So…here it goes! My question for you is, what is your responsibility to yourself? Many of us have been wired to constantly think of others first. We put family, partners, friends, traditions, plans we agreed to but didn’t want to, children, work, and just about everything else under the sun before us. That is a lot of energy that is spent outward! What would happen if we turned some of that energy inward?

​The subconscious question that we answer all the time through our actions is, “What is my responsibility to others?”. It’s a good question! Imagine if everyone only thought about themselves. Not a good scenario! But that doesn’t mean that we should completely ignore the question of the responsibility to ourselves.
What is your responsibility to yourself?

Here are some ways you can explore that question:

• Journal – write for 5 minutes on this topic without stopping…just keep writing!
• Morning check-in – What do I need today? What do I want out of today? (It’s ok if you don’t know, getting in the habit of checking-in with yourself is the first goal, knowing what you need will come later)
• Talk it out – ask your friends, support systems how they take care of themselves and their own needs. Ask them how they figure out their needs.
• Talk it out with a professional – go to therapy!
• Notice your frustration and resentment – when we get frustrated or feel resentful, it is usually a good sign that a need we have is not getting met at that moment
• Notice when you feel content and happy – those are usually good signs that needs are getting met!

Repeat after me: I am allowed to value my needs and desires and make space for them in my life!

Now repeat it out loud.

So if you are looking for permission to:

• Set boundaries with family
• Say no
• Take a break from tradition
• Honor your own desires
• Not participate
• Order catering
• Etc…

this holiday season, this is it! You don’t have to spend so much energy outward. You are worth your own energy!

Truly grateful,

Melissa

Allow me to set a scene for you. I’m standing looking at my partner, who has known me for YEARS, and I have a distinct look of awe on my face as we go for the third round in an argument that has moved from one floor of the house and back again twice. “He doesn’t care or understand at all!” is the thought. The hurt and disbelief are so powerful that I can literally not understand how this person who has known me forever doesn’t comprehend my perspective and why I am upset.

Sound familiar?​

I think it is fair to say that you are not alone. Recently, as we enter the holiday season, still trying to manage challenges from the pandemic, I have heard more and more couples struggling with feeling misunderstood by their partner. First of all, in a “normal” year, the holidays stir up plenty of disagreements on family, boundaries, how to spend your time, money, stress…you name it. This year, we have feelings about politics and pandemics to contend with, among so many other things.

We already usually don’t have all of the same views and values as our partners. Then, enter assumptions. Assumptions can have a devastating effect on relationships. We may assume that our partner already knows how we feel about something or assume that they think the same way as we do.

Assumptions can sound like this:
- “I can’t believe you just asked me that. You know how I feel about ______.”
- “How would you feel if I told/asked you the same thing?”
- “We talked about this. How can you not remember?”
- “You never think about me or my feelings.”

When we assume that our partner knows how we feel, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Managing our expectations of our partner is crucial. Instead, what if we were to assume…

1. My partner naturally thinks, sees, and experiences the world differently than I do. They have a different background than me.

2. Maybe their views are a valuable addition to the way I see the world and vice versa.

3. It’s ok that we see things differently!

If I reflect on these things and begin to value that my partner has ways of seeing the world that may help me even though they are different, I relieve the pressure to always agree and set myself up for a more intimate connection with my partner.

“Ok, so what do I do about all of this?”

It’s a question I get a lot. If you assume anything, assume that your partner sees things differently and needs help seeing your experience clearly. Here are some thoughts on how to help them connect to your experience…

1. Lead with compassion for both you and your partner – this is hard stuff, and accessing compassion will always bring you closer than accessing defensiveness.

2. Pretend like you are giving your partner a tour of your own feelings. Use feeling words instead of accusatory statements. For example:

1. “You never try to understand how I feel” to…
   
2. “I felt hurt and lonely when you said you wanted to spend Friday night with your friend when I understood that we had already made plans together for that night.”

Blanket statements like the first one are guaranteed to evoke defensiveness. The second statement shows emotion and invites your partner to clarify a misunderstanding that may have set the whole thing in motion.

3. Actively listen to your partner and ask them to actively listen to you. Active listening means I am not formulating my response before my partner is done talking, but I am genuinely trying to understand their experience. It is ok to say to your partner, “I am going to try not to be defensive as I talk about my feelings. Can I ask you to try to really hear my experience?”

​4. Validate, validate, validate – your own feelings and your partners. All emotions are valid and have useful information for us. Not all feelings are evidence. Your frustration is not evidence that your partner doesn’t care. But it is information that something is hurting you and needs to be processed. Just because we validate our partner’s feelings does not mean we fully agree with them, but it means we can understand what that feeling is like. And isn’t that what we all want, to be understood?
If you are having trouble with this, there is never anything wrong with reaching out to a therapist for help. Remember, be kind and gentle with yourself and those around you this holiday season.


Truly grateful,


Melissa

One of the most important aspects of a healthy and fulfilling relationship is boundaries. And boundaries are challenging at any time of the year, but they are incredibly challenging during the holiday season. Many times, the “shoulds” take over, and we start to feel guilty for saying no to our loving families who, of course, only have the best of intentions in mind. Well, sometimes.

Boundaries help protect our mental and emotional health. Many people were raised to put other’s needs before their own. However, when you continually move your needs to the back burner, you suffer, and you don’t get to connect with others in a fulfilling and energy-boosting way. Instead, it can feel like a chore. The holidays are no exception!