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By Melissa Coats, LPC  Talking with partners about fantasies tends to be an uncomfortable subject for many people. Even HAVING fantasies can feel uncomfortable. Many times, this is because of the great number of misconceptions about fantasies floating around out there.
Fantasies live in our minds. They usually provide some sort of pleasure, and since they live in our minds, they are usually perfect! Nothing goes wrong in a fantasy, there is no awkwardness, no one's feelings get hurt, etc. But just because we have a fantasy, does not always mean we want it in real life. Sometimes fantasies are attractive because they exist in that perfect realm!  We had to make a TON of adjustments in 2020. The totality of every day life changed and as a collective, we experienced the mental and emotional tax of a global pandemic. As we went through the year, we continually had to adjust to the fact that it wasn’t going to be over in a month.
Now we are adjusting again. And while many are excited to get back to “normal”, there are many that are experiencing the anxiety and stress that come with even more adjustments. I have heard so many people lately expressing how overwhelmed they feel with the mounting expectations from work, social groups, family, and media now that our world is changing again with the vaccine. “What if my partner won’t go to therapy with me?”
It’s a question couples and relationship therapists get quite often. There are problems in the relationship,, and one partner is more comfortable with the idea of therapy than the other. You can see things getting worse and get increasingly frustrated and confused when your partner says no to therapy. There are many reasons why someone may be uncomfortable going to therapy, even if they have been to therapy before. The therapeutic process often can elicit a flurry of uncomfortable emotions, confrontation of our deepest fears and flaws, and a flood of painful memories. When I put it like that, sometimes I wonder why anyone would sign up for therapy?! Even those of us who have had plenty of counseling can feel intimidated by starting the process again. We humans are very good at staying in what is familiar, even if it is uncomfortable. By Melissa Coats - True Connection Tuesday  I’ve been noticing a theme in my posts recently on TCT…they've been about the relationship with oneself! I promise I will discuss other topics. But this being the holiday season, in a pandemic, I feel it is critical to tend to our own needs as we continue to navigate this challenging year.
So…here it goes! My question for you is, what is your responsibility to yourself? Many of us have been wired to constantly think of others first. We put family, partners, friends, traditions, plans we agreed to but didn’t want to, children, work, and just about everything else under the sun before us. That is a lot of energy that is spent outward! What would happen if we turned some of that energy inward? By Melissa Coats - True Connection Tuesday  Allow me to set a scene for you. I’m standing looking at my partner, who has known me for YEARS, and I have a distinct look of awe on my face as we go for the third round in an argument that has moved from one floor of the house and back again twice. “He doesn’t care or understand at all!” is the thought. The hurt and disbelief are so powerful that I can literally not understand how this person who has known me forever doesn’t comprehend my perspective and why I am upset.
Sound familiar? I think it is fair to say that you are not alone. Recently, as we enter the holiday season, still trying to manage challenges from the pandemic, I have heard more and more couples struggling with feeling misunderstood by their partner. First of all, in a “normal” year, the holidays stir up plenty of disagreements on family, boundaries, how to spend your time, money, stress…you name it. This year, we have feelings about politics and pandemics to contend with, among so many other things.  One of the most important aspects of a healthy and fulfilling relationship is boundaries. And boundaries are challenging at any time of the year, but they are incredibly challenging during the holiday season. Many times, the “shoulds” take over, and we start to feel guilty for saying no to our loving families who, of course, only have the best of intentions in mind. Well, sometimes.
Boundaries help protect our mental and emotional health. Many people were raised to put other’s needs before their own. However, when you continually move your needs to the back burner, you suffer, and you don’t get to connect with others in a fulfilling and energy-boosting way. Instead, it can feel like a chore. The holidays are no exception! By Melissa Coats, LPC True Connection Tuesday  Welcome all to the first True Connection Tuesday! I decided to start with the most important relationship you will ever have in your life…the one with yourself!
A couple of years ago I started my self-care/love/compassion journey, and let me tell you, it has not been easy. I can’t pinpoint the exact day, but I remember thinking to myself “I am the only person in my life who will EVER have to spend EVERY single second of my life with me.” No one else on Earth will spend as much time with me as I do with myself. Wow. |
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